Using the “Q’s” to make communication to work for you

Quantity communication is making and setting time to get to know each other. The more you talk with each other and have weekly date nights without distraction, the more it will increase your quantity. This will give you information and details to be able to connect. In time, you can learn each other well enough to talk without speaking a word in many cases (Lerner,H., 2002).
Quality communication starts with making sure you have consistent time to talk. Make every attempt not to do it when you are too tired or aggravated. There may be a time when one or both of you get into attack mode and need some space (Lerner,H., 2002).

For an example, one person is getting upset and sees the conversation may do more harm than good. This person can initiate a time out or request for the discussion to be “tabled”. To table the situation, you must tell your spouse when and where you would like the conversation to continue. (Hint do it within 24 hours so that you won’t “sweep it under the rug”). If you call a time out, you must give a time when the time out is over and write out 5-10 things (or what both spouses previously agree on) that you appreciate or like about your spouse. In their quiet time, their quotes can quench hostility by the time they come back.

Quality communication is better off when your actions and words give your partner Acceptance, Identity, Purpose and Security that they desire from you. Use quality statements like these:

  • “I accept you unconditionally”
  • “I appreciate you being my wife/husband”
  • “It made me feel so good when you_______”
  • “I will always have your back”