Christian Humor

Lord, don’t let me be late

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Sunday School.  As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be
late!  Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.  She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again.  As she ran, she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either.”


A man had died and went up to heaven. An angel was there and showed him around. He saw people in serenity, playing music, having a nice time. Then he says, “Now I’ll show you Hell”
He gets there, he’s sees a lot of people drinking, smoking, partying & having fun. He also noticed a lot of his friends there. The devil is there leading the huge crowd. He gets
back to heaven and the angel asks “Which place do you want to go?” He thinks for a second and says, “I’ll go to hell, It looks cool down there!”

He goes back, but this time, people are screaming in pain, gnashing their teeth and being heavily tortured. Realizing that he can’t come back he says to the devil, “It wasn’t like
this yesterday!”

The devil says, “Yesterday was the day of recruitment, Today is the day of employment!”

                                                  Church Bulletins Bloopers
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
“The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

                                                            Little Bobby

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”
Little Bobby was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the year.
“Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.” Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your Friend, Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Dear God, I have been an “OK” Boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a third letter.
Dear God,
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday please.Thank you, Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went down stairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner, “ Bobby’ s mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to see if any one was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the Church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and began to write his letter to God.

                 Giving Thanks

A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been abused all his life on earth – people swept him with broom, he had no where to sleep, etc. God tells him he is going to make his life very comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to heaven.
They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth – how they had to be running all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. God tells them he’ll make their life comfortable. They ask that he give them skates so that they wouldn’t have to do much walking or running anymore. God granted their request, fitting them with skates. A week later God was passing by and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were going. The cat says, “Oh wonderful, God, and by the way, those meals on wheels that you sent me were delicious!”


A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him heaven was getting crowded so he had to test people with the point system. If he got to 100 points he could enter. The man told Peter that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points. The man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point. The man, desperately searching his memory, finally said that he never cussed.
Peter added 1/2 a point. By now the man got very frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in by the grace of God.       Peter replied,       “Come on in!”

            Luck would have it

Three guys die together and go to heaven….
St. Peter says, “We only have one rule…don’t step on the ducks as they are God’s favorite creation.”
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible to not step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest woman he’d ever seen… St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.” The next day the second guy steps on a duck…Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together. Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

The man remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?” And the Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

         Here’s to Living Healthy

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed”, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked.
“This is heaven. It’s free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never
get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have
been here ten years ago!

               All in the name

Three ministers and their wives were just coming back from a convention when they got in a wreck and were all killed. All 3 couples stood in line waiting to get into heaven. St Peter opened the books and said to the first man: I can see that you were a good man but had one problem. You lusted after alcohol your whole life you never drank but your lust was so strong you would never marry until you met a girl named Sherry.  Sorry, you can’t come in. The second minister approached St Peter and he said: you were a good man, but it says here you lusted after money and your lust was so strong that you would not marry until you met a girl named  Penny. Sorry, you cannot come in.

The third minister turned to his wife and said: come on Fanny, lets leave.

        In the Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this?’
The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’ Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque..
Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked;

Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:15??

     Get ready for church!

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, ‘I’m not going.’

‘Why not?’ she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,’ he said. ‘(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.’

His mother replied, ‘I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!’

                    The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, ‘Where would you like to sit?’ he asked politely.

‘The front row please,’ she answered. ‘You really don’t want to do that,’ the usher said ‘The pastor is really boring.’

‘Do you happen to know who I am?’ the woman inquired. ‘No.’ he said. ‘I’m the pastor’s mother,’ she replied indignantly.

‘Do you know who I am?’ he asked. ‘No.’ she said. ‘Good,’ he answered.

            The Ugly Duckling

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We! only have one rule here in heaven:

“Don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on…very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!’

The Talking Centepede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to
church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?” But again, there
was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?” This time, a little voice came out of the box,

“I heard you the first time!

I’m putting on my shoes!”

                  Unanswered prayer

 The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.  One day, she asked him why.
‘Well, Honey,’ he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.
‘I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.’
‘How come He doesn’t answer it?’ she asked.

          Say a prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ‘Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer.’  said his mother. ‘I don’t need to,’  the boy replied. ‘Of course, you do.’  his mother insisted. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’ ‘That’s at our house.’  Johnny explained. ‘But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!’

      Hard to say goodbye

A man and his wife were visiting Israel and it so happened that his mother-in-law died. The mortuary man told him; “You have two options. You can have her buried here in the Holy land for $150 or we can have here transported back to America for $5,000.”
He thought about it long and hard and really wanted to save the money, but he told the guy;
“I’ll take her back and have her buried at home.” The morticain asks; “You know, you could have him buried in the same place that Moses walked upon for a very good price. I’m just curious, why would you want her sent back home?”
The husband told him; “I heard 2,000 years ago, that this guy was buried and rose again a few days later, and I don’t want to take those chances!”

        The Brutal Truth!

   A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, “I’d like to speak to the head hog.”
The secretary replied, “That was not a very nice thing to say about our beloved pastor, Rev. Johnson.” Again the man replied, “I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate $100,000.00 to the church.

She replied, “Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in.”

Mamma’s Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, “I had a big house built for Mamma.” The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.” The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it. The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.” “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”